We often gets posts from moms of picky eaters. A desperate cry came to me from one such mom who’s son had stopped eating a lot of food he had previously eaten. I do not wish to post her email to me, but I will post my reply.
First off, if you are harboring feelings of guilt as to your sons condition, I will ask you to try and let them go. So many parents blame themselves for this disorder, and the evidence just doesn’t support that. All sorts of clinical studies are now showing that eating preference, especially in extreme cases like ours, seems to be mostly genetic and only slightly environmental. For whatever reason, our bodies just reject different foods. I can tell you that personally, There are many things today (at age 29) that I wouldn’t eat at age 15 or 5. There are also many things that I would eat at age 5 (McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets for instance) or 15 that I won’t go near now. Most people go through this and don’t really notice it, but for us it is such a major thing because adding or removing a food makes a huge difference for us.
Second, I see that your son is 14. While that is still extremely young, you also need to try and let go of his eating somewhat. (This sentence may sound harsh, and I’m sorry, but it needs to be said.) No one, least of all a teenager, wants someone harping on them all the time about what they are doing, eating, etc. Trust me…I completely and totally understand your concern for his health, but as for me, the constant harping on what I was and wasn’t eating only lead to one thing for me. Anorexia. Seriously…all the comments about how unhealthy my eating were eventually caused me to rebel into not eating at all. I got so incredibly tired of it…being told I would die, being told I would be fat, being told I would never succeed, etc…psychologically it put a huge toll on me which lead me to a “real” eating disorder. Again, I am not trying to be mean or harsh with this stuff, but rather give you a realistic view of what happens when people try to control an aspect of another person. It almost always leads to rebellion.
Third, while I don’t recommend candy and brownies as a meal, I say at 14, your son needs to start making those decisions on his own. Perhaps give him control of packing his own lunches or buying what he wants to at school. You might find that if he has that control back, he will start to make some wiser choices on his own. But if he doesn’t, that is still his decision to make. In 4 years, he will legally be allowed to move out and make whatever food choices he wants. It would be better he learn while he is still under your care.
Lastly, it sounds to me like you are extremely understanding. I commend you for that, because it is really hard for someone without this disorder to understand what living with it is like. Your son likely feels guilty and depressed about the way he eats. He may not be ready to face that yet, but he will likely in time become ready to deal with it. Don’t force the issue, but make sure he knows that it isn’t his fault that he is that way. There are others out there like him and there is strong evidence that this is a genetic condition that one day will be studied and hopefully “cured.” But until then, he needs to learn to deal with it in the best way he can. I went to college, I did well in school, I am successful as an adult, I am happily married, etc. I went away to college at age 17…anorexic and extremely depressed. But I got through it and was better for it on the other end. Don’t hinder your son…even in your mind…because of this condition. I am sure he is completely capable of surviving in college and life thereafter. But you will have to let him go to find that out, and I bet you will be surprised at how well he will do.
I don’t have a great answer for you. Your son’s eating is in the level we call EPE or extremely picky eater. But so is mine, and I have managed to do a lot of things despite it. Not only that, but given my poor eating habits, I am still a relatively healthy young adult. I need to lose about 20 pounds, but I am working on that through exercise and what little dietary stuff I can do. I guess ultimately, my best advice is to try not to worry a lot about it. Make sure your son is eating something and not losing weight, because that is more dangerous really than eating too much. His age is what makes it the hardest because I can remember at 14 how I felt about my parents getting on me or even just trying to talk to me about stuff. But if you think he is open to talking about it, just ask him what you could do to help…be that leaving him alone or working with him to find foods he likes. Let him pick out things at the grocery store that he thinks he might want to try. Let him decide what he wants to take for lunches. If he is open to talking to a therapist, try and find a good and understanding one (they are out there, though hard to find). And the therapy shouldn’t be to force him to eat new foods, but rather to help him accept himself for who and how he is.
If you have further questions for me or there is anything I can do to help, please feel free to write me back. I am sorry this isn’t more definitive. I wish so much that I could give you a name of a doctor who would make it all better. I’d be willing to fly over to the UK if there was a promise of that waiting on the other end. Unfortunately, we simply don’t have anything like that yet. The different methods of therapy, etc. that have been tried by all our different members have pretty much all come back moot. You are of course welcome to join our group and read the different things that have been tried. Your son would be welcome to join as well if he wanted to.
I do wish the best for you and your son.
Jessica
